TOOLS (AS WE REALLY KNOW THEM)
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that
it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane
part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar
calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets
in their holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into
a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt
to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else
is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting
afire various flammable objects in your shop. Also
handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub
you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older
British cars and motorcycles, they are now used
mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or ½" socket
you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile
to the ground after you have installed your new disk
brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG PRESSURE-TREATED 4x4: Used for
levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if
he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a
sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly
for getting dog-shit off your boot.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile
strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar
that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of
vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not
otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits
aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light
bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer
shells might be used during, say, the first few hours
of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than
light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids
of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil
on your clothes, but can also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.
Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced
in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and
transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose
to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last over-tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford,
and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding
that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to
replace a 50¢ part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
locate the most expensive parts not far from the
object we are trying to hit.
Also used to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front
door; works particularly well on contents such as seats,
vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used
to
convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used
to
launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill
bit
that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
scare
neophytes into choosing another line of work.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across
the garage
while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs.
It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight,
which somehow eases those pains and indignities following
our every deficiency in foresight.